Mid life CRISIS or AWAKENING
A couple of years ago I turned 40. For my milestone birthday, I had a plan. I wanted to be in the best physical shape of my life I had ever been. And I made it happen. When I shared the pictures of my abs on Facebook, some of my friends called it mid life crisis (MLC). I shared their view. Because it was followed by some other symptoms. I was driving a convertible. Had a motorbike. I was wearing expensive watches. Shopping. Many more known symptoms. I was convinced, it was MLC. But I was enjoying it. It wasn’t a crisis for me. In fact, I thought MLC was cool.
Just recently I realized that it was not about MLC after all. I was just enjoying life as I was very lucky to have resources and time (because of covid-19) at the same time. I always liked nice things. I saved to spend on them. I also wanted to be a model when I was young — hence the sexy body! BTW, it did help me get a small role in a TV commercial. Because a close friend saw it and casted me in.
As a kid, when most of my friends had not even thought of buying a particular brand of denims or shoes, I would save for years without spending anything in the school canteen and would buy that coveted object. Based on my father’s income I really should not be wearing those brands. But it didn’t matter. And I never asked or bothered my parents to buy me those things. It made me happy. It still does. I enjoy nice things.
Anyways, back to MLC. How did I realize that it wasn’t MLC. Because I think I am going through it now. And it is not great when it hits you. It really stops you to question yourself. About everything. But mostly it is about the future than it is about the past (at least in my case). You ask yourself what you will do with life and what do you want to do. The ‘purpose’ question starts bugging you. You start realizing that the time is limited and you need to act fast. I am pretty sure, it hits everyone in a different way. But above is how it struck me. Subtly not strongly though.
So far, my desires have been very targeted. It may have been about things I wanted to buy or city I wanted to live in or job I wanted to do, adventures I wanted to experience etc. etc. Achieved most, if not all of them. And I feel I was very lucky. It helped a lot to be at the right place at the right time. However, the problem is that to get one thing, I paid a price through another. When I moved to NYC, my favorite city in the world, I left behind my friends, my proximity to India and a lot more. But I am still happy with my decision because I anticipated everything I was going to lose or miss. Nothing came as a surprise. Before big decisions, I always make a list of the pros and cons that not just helps with taking a decision but also to avoid any surprises/regrets.
But I don’t see it as a crisis. I see it as an awakening. Now I believe that I want to think of what I want from life in a wholistic way. I want to imagine my life in a few years from now with almost all ingredients. location, partner, friends, family, job, things, dog, house, bank balance, everything… The best case but realistic scenario for all of them. Will I achieve all of them. Most likely not. Because externalities mostly drive life. But I want to imagine it and live it in my mind to start with. I haven’t been able to do that yet. But I feel awakened to the feeling that it is the wholistic life that could be the purpose of my life. With all the ingredients in the right amount! I could be wrong and I will let you know as soon as I know I am wrong, if I am.
No, it is not seeking happiness. I am happy most of the time. When I am not, I think I can be if I try — through a nap, talk to a friend or a stranger, write, music, gym, run, dog, central park, or any other tricks in my pocket. I think I am seeking peace. Peace of mind. Because I will know what I want. I will not be asking that question ‘WHAT NEXT?’ after achieving (or giving up) on any of my desires. I want that clarity. People who know me know that I struggle with tough decision making. I don’t like making wrong decisions (rather the consequence that I didn’t foresee and include in my list). That desire of making right decisions leads to a lot of contemplation and then confusion and annoyance. If I can achieve the North Star of my life i.e. the picture of how I want my life to look like in a few years and going forward, I will know where to go directionally. Of course it may change going forward with successes and failures but the direction will still not be very different.
I am AWAKE. I hope I will be able to stay awake to work on it. It will require some very hard decisions either sooner or later. I will let you know how it goes!
I know this is very personal. But I really wanted to share this as most of my friends must be going through something similar or may go through it soon. It may seem difficult at first. Knowing that others are having similar issues and how they are dealing with it may help. Mine is early stage so I could be on a completely wrong path. This is a trailer not the full movie. Even for me…
